Apex

Photo: I spent a couple of hours on my angel yesterday! It probably doesn’t look like that much work, but it IS! Two wings done, the dress done and early details done. Two more wings to do and then we start working on the finer details. I admit that this is going faster than I anticipated… Applique is weird and interesting. It presents shortcuts (the fabric is doing the work) and challenges (OMG I have to attach fabric to fabric and keep it pretty and make sure these stitches are even). I’m loving the challenge!

I am so sorry I didn’t write on Friday. We hosted our last candidate for Rector Search last week, so Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday were crazy. On Friday, I was supposed to meet with my writing group (didn’t happen) and I taught my last class of the Spring. I woke up with a headache on Friday morning, chugged my Advil and my coffee and kept the damn thing moving. When I got into this house at 9:30pm, I went upstairs, peeled myself out of my attire, and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

Tonight is the night for making our choice. Three different candidates. Three different offerings. We believers have been made to understand that the Holy Spirit is working through us and, ultimately, the choice is out of our hands. It’s paradoxical, really, isn’t it? It’s our choice via the Holy Spirit? It’s the Holy Spirit’s choice via us and our process? And what happens if I don’t like the choice (I’ve only got one candidate I’m firmly not excited about)? I’ve been asking myself, out loud and in my head, “How much do I trust the Holy Spirit?”

This would be blasphemous in any other circumstance, but Episcopalian is basically the best flavor of Christianity. I get to question as much as I want! Matter of fact, questioning is peak Episcopalian, so…

*sigh* sorry.

Basically, I’m at the apex of over a year’s worth of very hard work. The entire journey comes down to tonight. I’m scared and I’m exhausted, because ultimately I’m not in control of the outcome. This is a decision made by a group of people. I can only hope (and pray) that I am satisfied with the outcome.

After tonight, the work isn’t over: My co-chair and I have to deliver our result to the Vestry on Wednesday night. I suspect this means I won’t be writing on Wednesday, given everything that’s going on. But Friday, oh Friday, I think will be ok.

Want to know something hilarious? The boys have only 2 more full weeks of school before summer vacation. 2 and a half weeks left. Three of those days are half-days. 1 of those days, I gotta go in for something. Everyone is doing the countdown: the teachers, the students, the mommies. Some of us are more delighted than others. I admit that I’m looking forward to camp… but Lordy, there is a lot to do between now and then.

Dear Reader, you’ve been so patient with me and I am so grateful. I’m almost done.

It is my hope to see you Friday for Quiet Thoughts. Until then, keep working hard and take good care.

5 Comments Add yours

  1. mithriluna says:

    KC – Your angel is going to be beautiful! Though I have never done needlework, it looks impressive to me.
    I think you have the right attitude about making a decision. Ask the Holy Spirit and then trust the Holy Spirit. Obviously, it’s not easy to let it go. Once the decision is made, you need to accept it. That’s when you ask the Holy Spirit to help you trust in God’s plan (which is always perfect).
    Sorry I haven’t been very present on WordPress. Instagram has sucked me in. It’s much easier to post a picture and tag it then writing lots of words (which I am not good at).

  2. Trish says:

    The stitching on the folds of the angel’s gown look great. And I like how you’ve made the wings look feathery with your fabric manipulation. Good work!

    As for the other, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the thought, energy and prayer you’ve put into this over the past year. It is a huge gift to our community.

  3. Finn Longman says:

    I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long — WordPress turned off all my email subscriptions when I changed my name and email address (without telling me), so this is the first of your posts I’ve seen in a while. It was actually their absence from my inbox that made me realise my subscriptions had gone wrong in the first place — you’re usually so regular, I knew something had to be wrong! (And then I procrastinated on fixing it, because… I’m me.) ❤

    Your post reminded me of a phrase we use as Quakers during the process of discernment. Basically in a Meeting for Worship for Business (… Quakers do not go in for snappy names for things), people will share their perspective and thoughts as they feel led to do so. The clerk of the meeting will then write a minute that is intended to summarise and convey the sense of the meeting, which they read out. They ask the meeting if the minute is acceptable — does it accurately convey the sense of the meeting? Is this the decision we’ve been led to? Is this the *right* decision, or does anyone have any further thoughts to add? — and if it is, we say, “I hope so.” Not “yes”, because we can never be *sure* that we’ve accurately discerned what the Divine is asking of us — we’re only human. But we hope that we have.

    When it comes to spiritual things, it’s difficult ever to be *sure* about things. You may trust the Holy Spirit fully, but you might not trust yourself to know what the Spirit’s leadings are. How can you be sure that you’ve understood correctly, that you’re making the right choice? Even if the Spirit is infallible, the humans making the decisions aren’t. So it’s difficult to ever say, “Yes, this is the right decision.” But hopefully you will / have already come to the point where if someone says, “Is this the right choice for us?” you can say, “I hope so.”

    1. K.C. Wise says:

      FINN!!
      What a crazy awesome way to be introduced to you! I was like, “hmm, new reader” and then it was like, NO! Long-time reader, wonderfully reintroduced to me! YAY for you!! YAAAAY!!! Can’t wait to go exploring your site and catching up with your story and finding out everything that I’ve missed!

      I love this note about how we can never be fully sure. It seems that the Quakers and Episcopalians have a lot in common when it comes to this. A lot of room is made for the messiness of who we are, the incomprehensible grace of the Holy Spirit, the beautiful if chaotic melding of the two forces. The embracing of the unknowable.

      Feelings of sureness are utterly fleeting. It’s maddening (I want to be SURE, SURE) and wonderful (I feel held in the knowing that the Holy Spirit is with me, and with us, and was with us during the entire process). I have to trust and then trust: the Holy Spirit first, and then myself. It comes and goes. It’s amazing.

      1. Finn Longman says:

        💚💚💚 I wasn’t sure you’d know who I was haha, the perils of a name change! I haven’t been blogging very much lately, but hoping to change that over the summer (I feel like I always say this and never do, though…).

        I’m not great at uncertainty, but I’ve been trying to learn to embrace it. The first article I ever read about Quakers described it as having a “joyful doubt”, and I’m trying to find the joy in never being sure about anything, which isn’t easy. My relationship with faith is immensely confused, but one of the things I like about being a Quaker is you don’t have to know what you believe before you start, you can just get stuck straight in and figure that out later 😂 Believing in a specific creed isn’t an entry requirement. I spent a long time avoiding faith communities because I couldn’t straighten out what I believed about God and all of the metaphysical side of things, but I’m learning to be okay with not knowing and accepting that I’ll come to understand things gradually.

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