Photo: Short ribs! I love short ribs and rarely buy them because they are so expensive. Didn’t used to be! But now they are fashionable and what not! Anyway, I braised these with some onions and peppers in red wine, tomatoes, and a bit of beef broth, then shredded them and served them over pappadelle with kale. Yup, it was amazing. You, too, can achieve the goodness!
Yesterday was All Saints Sunday at church and I wanted to go.
But The Husband gave me the out and I took it. “You just don’t have to do this to yourself.”
I told him I wanted to be there for him, as I knew they would be saying his grandmother’s name and ringing the bell for her. He shook his head. “It’s not the same for me as it is for you.”
He’s right and I don’t like it. I don’t like that this is a thing I simply cannot do.
It’s ultimately fine: I needed to stay home. This house has been unmanaged thanks to all of the outside things I’ve got going on. I decided that I’d honor the saints in my life, my great-grandmother and my grandmother, both who had houses cleaner than any houses I’ve ever been in, by cleaning this damn house. I somehow convinced myself that in the 3ish hours I had between the time the boys left for church and the time they came home, I’d have cleaned up weeks of neglect in this house.
I’ve always told ya’ll I’m a fool!
I went to the grocery store to pick up milk (we were out for two days) and snacks for school (ran out of those on Friday morning) and lunch stuff for The Husband (I didn’t make him a single damn sandwich last week). I encased the bathroom with bleach and scrubbed it until my elbows burned. I managed put my kitchen back together and get the dining room in order. I swept and swept and swept, but didn’t have time to mop. A shame. And then there was the laundry… Lordy. In the end, I got the downstairs clean and that bathroom sanitary, but the bedrooms… it just seems like I can’t ever get it all done.
I told Mom yesterday that I remember a time when I had a clean house. How could I have managed to keep a clean house when the boys were babies and I wasn’t getting any sleep? Now the boys are in school full time and I have no excuses. Why don’t I have a clean house again? What the hell is wrong with me?
She told me I was crazy. “You’ll have a clean house again. Just not now. And probably not for a long time. There is too much to do. Your days are too full.”
I don’t know if I’ve ever learned how to forgive myself for anything. It’s a character flaw for sure.
I did feel accomplished once the boys returned and I decided to step away from the sprays and the sponges. Filling my house with the smell of braising beef was a soul-soother as well. It was a good Sunday for breathing, knowing that today and tomorrow will be what they will be.
Which reminds me:
I’d like very much to wake up on Wednesday with a more hopeful outlook on our future. I voted because my boys cannot yet. I voted because my ancestors fought hard so that I could. I voted because the voting rights of my peers are being illegally stripped away from them. I voted because there are people who live here who cannot, yet their lives are directly touched by immigration policies out of Washington. I voted because I love my country so much, I desperately need it to go in a different direction.
I beg of you. Please vote tomorrow. Let’s fix this mess and get it right.
No matter what, I’ll see you Wednesday. Until then, take care.