Photo: Yesterday was the second good day. Too perfect, just too perfect! So perfect, matter of fact, that I gots myself a little sunburn. I’m super sorry-not-sorry for that, because when the warm season is this short, I feel like it’s my sole job to absorb as much pure, unadulterated sunshine as humanly possible. (This is…probably not recommended by real and actual doctors, which I am not by any stretch.)
My mother says that seeing a spider is good luck. I was assaulted by three of them today on three different occasions, managing to kill not a one of them. What does that do for me, Dear Reader?
I’m in plenty need of luck. I got back my latest submission rejection, which isn’t surprising because it’s a hard journal to get published in. Still, I was feeling hopeful this time around, so I’m disappointed. I know this story will find a home. I just haven’t found the right one yet. In the meantime, my writing class starts tonight and I am looking forward to greeting four adult students in my first classroom since I stepped away from teaching 7 years ago. I wasn’t terribly nervous about it until sometime around noon today when I started making copies and things became real. Now I’m sitting here trying to stay calm and keep it together. Lord knows there is a lot to do between now and when I walk out the door tonight.
I’d like to note that, like mourning, I’m surprised by how intensely I have felt imposter syndrome when it comes to this class. There have been moments of really serious, strong doubt, and feeling of unworthiness, as if somehow I’m not qualified to share what I know with women who are interested in the same thing as I am. I’m not sure when I decided that my knowledge and time weren’t worth anything, that they somehow didn’t have value and shouldn’t be shared. It has taken effort to push the feeling aside and know that this is a thing that I can do. I trained for this, I really love to do this, and I’m sincerely excited to get back in the saddle.
I know this isn’t a Quiet Thoughts post, but I’m going to put up a little wisdom anyway, Dear Reader: hold on tightly to the knowing voice that simply says you can. No matter how low and squeaky it may sound, listen to it above all others. Trust in the knowing.
It’s the low, squeaky voice that’s going to get this story resubmitted before the end of the week.
It’s the low, squeaky voice that’s going to get me out the door and off to class tonight.
Perhaps I need multiple spiders-worth of luck because there is so much stuff looming: we’re waiting on our paperwork to go through so we can get the roof scheduled. The beach house hasn’t re-rented yet, so that still looms over my head. I keep trying to remind myself that “all will be well and all will be well,” but Lord, it’s hard. If only because the suspense is killing me, not to mention the doubt: will all really be well? I’ve read enough books to know that things don’t work out all the time, so which one of these things is going to come crashing down?
I’m trying to keep my chin up. Pessimism doesn’t help anyone. Besides, there are joys in the world. My Fairy Godmother (who I love and who I’m so grateful to!) sent me a gift certificate to my favorite yarn store, which allowed me to pick up these beauties:
Reclaimed cashmere! Ohhh, so lovely! They are as soft as they are pretty and I cannot wait to get knitting with them. I have such big, grand drams of projects that get done with consistency and even speed. My knitting partner came over today and scolded me because I ripped back the sock I was working on when she saw me last. I’ve got real and pure “second sock syndrome.” In other words: I’m bored and don’t feel like finishing it. “What’s the point of having just one sock!?” She exclaimed.
“What’s the point of life, my dear?”
We fell into a fit of giggles. Joy is two moms knitting together the week after a long break.
I will finish my sock. I’ll use my nervous sermon energy next week to finish it. If I’m good at my life, I’ll use two socked feet as my Quiet Thoughts photo next Friday. (Did I just type that!? I’m a crazy woman!)
I would ask for you to wish me luck, Dear Reader, but three spiders crossed my path today. Instead, I’ll extend some of my extra good luck to you. Good luck with the rest of your week. Finish it strong. Let’s get to Friday feeling like we really did something significant.
I’ll see you Friday for Quiet Thoughts.