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2 years ago

935 words

 

It’s probably not terribly obvious, but I think about these Quiet Thoughts posts all week long. I keep my eyes open for lessons to learn, insights to articulate. I try to decide if something is bothering me enough to dive into, find some sort of big idea that I can that transfer to this space. I like these Friday posts to be a capstone for the week. A lot of them write themselves. Well, that’s not true. Many of them are simply easy to get out of my head and onto the screen. Others end up being too personal or painful, or I have to figure out how to tell a powerful story without giving all of the context because it would be too boring otherwise.

I know that there have been failures. I go back to read and I think, “augh. I really missed the mark there,” or “jeez, I wish I hadn’t left out that particular detail…” There are other posts that I’m really proud of. I see improvement in my writing and storytelling, I know that I have so much more to learn, but at least I’m inching toward some sort of greater skill.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this post. I feel like expectations are high… I had such a ridiculous day on Monday. I should have something profound to say today. I should have news. I should have something to offer.

But I don’t. Honestly, I’ve got nothing. I’ve had thoughts all week, but none of them have been quiet. I’ve had very little quiet, and those few moments that I’ve had were rarely full of thoughts.

It’s nothing dramatic. I haven’t broken glasses or sobbed in a corner. I haven’t thought about death or even cancer. I’m just still coming down from it all–from the experience of getting such unexpected news, processing it, and now dealing with the aftermath. I’ve had to do all of that in the context of day-to-day life: parent-teacher conferences, field trips, grocery shopping, temper tantrums, dinner preparation, bathroom scrubbing, early-morning wake-ups to give a child ibuprofen… not to mention the inconvenience of snow days and rainy days, giving the boys too much screen time so that I can get some work done. And you know what, Dear Reader? I actually had a pretty productive week. Here I am on my third blog post of the week, I got some freelancing done, I got some editing done, I wrote about 4,000 words of fiction for Camp NaNoWriMo… I even did some stuff with my writing group! All that and I quilted and hosted a craft night!

I’ve entrenched myself in everything normal so as to deny the abnormal, the abnormality, that I know I have to deal with. I’ve taken little steps, then someone tells me I have to make a call or do some research, and my brain clicks right off. I’m uninspired to deal with it. I’d just rather not. The thought of “moving forward” fills me with dread. I’m dangling my feet over the rabbit hole with the understanding that it would be easier, even preferable, to jump in myself… but I’m still waiting for the push.

Longtime readers and close friends who know me well probably read that and were dismayed. I’m a self-starter. I hate waiting. It’s unlike me. Yes, Dear Reader, I know.

My mother has sent me no less than three texts with wording along the lines of “when is the next appointment?”

I’m avoiding her.

I’m avoiding all of it.

I’m not ready.

 

I’m not sure that I know how to get ready. I have to simply do. I have to pick up the phone and get it all going and… who the hell wants to do that? I don’t want to do that.

That’s where I am, Dear Reader. Imperfect and all.

So… now what?

It’s Friday… Fridays come with wishes. I can manage that, at least. Right?

I wish you something still growing out in the yard, Dear Reader. While my grass is green and delighted by all the wet weather, all of bulbs that came up early seem to have suffered irreparably from the snow and cold. I wish you a few survivors in your own yard, one strong plant still willing the Spring to come. I wish you something sweet and fruity. A tart, perhaps? A pie? Maybe a strawberry shortcake. Bonus if you make your own vanilla ice cream (it’s not that hard. You can do it!). I wish you a long phone call with a friend or favorite relative. Maybe a pep-talk you didn’t know you needed is in order, or a story of something long past but still powerful. I wish you a squeezing hug, a kiss on the cheek, and someone telling you in all sincerity and entirely too loudly that “you look good” and you’ve “definitely lost some weight!” Follow that up with a big, heavy meal of your favorite food (obviously!).

Most of all, my wish for you is someone looking you in the eye and saying “I love you.” I hope that they are delivered breathlessly, powerfully, maybe for the first time, maybe for the millionth. I wish you the wonderful feeling of knowing that love is true, deep and unconditional, and that you are worthy of it. Then, I wish you the opportunity to share those same words with someone else. Love is moving, love is inspiring. I hear it may even be healing. Go find out and report back, Dear Reader.

Until Monday, stay safe, stay bright, be kind, and take care.

5 Replies to “Very Few [Quiet Thoughts]”

  1. What I’m struck by in reading this post is the wondering: how many people have I passed by in the store, on the street, while driving, at the bank (etc.) who have been given similar words from a health professional, who are in the place of “needing to take the next step”, & who are (simply & at the same time, profoundly) “going about their day”… Which is sort of a miracle & so strong & profound & so “normal” all at the same time.
    Also, when I’m “in” something, something difficult, I find it quite challenging to reflect on it, because that requires a different perspective, like being on a part of a trail but further along on it, & I’m not there yet. Can’t look back yet when I’m in the place I’m in. It’s like I’ve got to just be exactly where I’m at, & look right there/here. Sometimes I wonder if the Universe throws these “curve balls & roadblocks” so that I’ll just be right here & stop & pause & be.
    Does this make sense?
    Anyhow… I love your posts, no matter what judgment you shine on them, but I guess it’s easier when one is reading someone else’s work (as I can be quite critical of my own work), and just to say that while I rarely find some of the lovely lists in your wishes for all of us readers showing up in my life, it gets me to reflect in the evening (gratitude lists are done in the morning here), & that’s really great for me. Especially on a Friday, and I get an opportunity to maybe offer myself one of the things on your list.
    As for that phone call, or any next step, I’m a fan of doing it with a dear friend. Like someone right there with you. Maybe even holding your hand, or with a gentle squeeze of the shoulder.
    As ever, wishing you all good things, & with a deep bow of respect for you & your life,
    Marney
    (Ps- I’m usually typing these replies on my phone, so please pardon any odd spell-check blunders!!)

    1. I know that I am very late to reply to this, but I want you to know that this meant a lot to me after I read it the first time. Thank you, as always, for your steadfast positive thoughts. I’m always so grateful. My appointment is tomorrow morning. I hope I can post some good news, worthy of all your positive and helpful words.

  2. I’m horribly behind with blog subscriptions (I opened my email inbox today. 178 unread emails, the vast majority of them full on 1000 words or more because they’re blog subscriptions. It’s gonna take a while to catch up), so I wasn’t aware of these particularly stresses and struggles you’ve been having. I still haven’t seen Monday’s post, but I’m working back towards it. Just wanted to send you my good wishes too. I know what it’s like to put off taking any more steps (I’m meant to be getting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to sort my brain out so that I’m well enough to get a job or go back to uni, but I’m avoiding contacting any of the therapists), and I have no advice to offer, just health vibes and good feelings.

    1. I suddenly feel like I’ve been missing a lot on your end of the universe. I’m sorry that I haven’t kept up with your blog lately. Are you ok? Please know that for all of the healthy vibes and good feelings that you are sending my way, I’m sending the same to you as well!

      1. Thanks. I’m not as okay as I could be — I’m currently taking time out of university to try and get better because I wasn’t coping — but I’m dealing. I’ve had a part-time job for the last couple of weeks, that kind of thing.

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