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[Bonus Post] Ursa Major, Master Negotiator

3 years ago

388 words


**Warning: This is sorta gross because, you know, toilet language…so, uh… be warned**

Scene: We are all sitting at the table and it is time for dessert. Ursa Major has eaten all of his kale, so he is eligible for a cookie. Minor, on the other hand, must be coaxed into eating his kale. The rule for dessert in this house is as follows: “Little boys who poop in the potty and eat their dinner, get cookies.” Ursa Major is very pleased that he is eligible.

And Minor eats his kale under our watchful eye. So, though he isn’t potty trained yet, he is eligible for a cookie.

Major and Minor are now done with their cookies. Daddy had two cookies, and he is done, too. We are chatting about the day.

Daddy: “What did you do at school today?”

Major: “I played with cars and trucks and stuff.”

Minor: “And then, I ate all my kale! So I got a cookie.”

Parents: “Yup. Little boys who eat their kale get cookies.”

Major, contemplative: “Daddy, how come you got two cookies?”

Daddy: “Because I’m big.”

This seems to go unchallenged. Chatting returns to school.

Major, contemplative, interrupts the conversation: “Well… I pooped in the potty. I pooped in the pottyy…” [thoughtfully looks at his fingers as if counting on them] “I pooped in the potty three times today!”

Daddy and I look at each other. We know where this is going.

Major is still doing the math: “Yeah. I pooped in the potty three times today! That means I should get three cookies.”

Us: [Sputtering. Various gibberish. Something something one cookie rule]

Major: “I did! I pooped three times! I get two more cookies! I want two more cookies!

My jaw drops. Damn, homey, you put that subtraction skill in there too??

Daddy gets up.

Me: “Ok, you can get one more cookie, because that was awesome and you don’t even realize how awesome that was.”

Daddy, returning with cookies (for himself and for Minor, too), sets cookies down on the table. He is speaking to me when he says: “Behold, the precedent is set.”

I let out a sigh. “But it is worth it. Because that was awesome.”

Daddy sits down, gives Major a pat on the head. Major eats his cookie, totally satisfied.


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