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The Road Back to Somewhere

3 years ago

1011 words

Photo: The next room to get the DIY treatment. Anyone out there in the universe have nice chairs? Those chairs are actually for an outdoor set that we’ve never been able to use outdoors… they are heavy and… *Sigh*. That’s what you get when just about all of your furniture is second-hand. Anyway, if you look to the left, you can see the start of the wallpaper stripping. The great debate about what color this room is going to be painted has begun. Neither The Ghost nor The Husband will let me paint it purple…

 

First, I have to get this out: The boys’ current favorite song is OneRepublic’s Love Runs Out, which is now stuck in my head. Seriously, we get in the car, they ask for it, and then they belt it out. They think it’s the greatest song since… since… Smooth Criminal. Lordy. And it isn’t that I don’t like the song, I do. I enjoy it. But, you know, not on repeat.

It is funny when they sing along, though. They both do. Just, at the top of their lungs.

Anyway…

Second, I’m looking at a 50% success rate with Operation: Don’t Touch the Lava. Yesterday, I thought we’d had a pretty busy morning between the playground and the grocery run (Thank God that Market Basket is back open!!), but Ursa Minor slept for a mere 10 minutes in the car and that destroyed any and all chances of his napping. I sat there in that room (which wasn’t so bad because the window unit was on and it was hot in the rest of the house) but, try as I might, the boys just would not sleep. So it was a bad afternoon. The day before? Ursa Minor slept and Ursa Major got to play downstairs. Today, I thought for sure that big brother was going to sleep too after they both went crazy wild on the playground and jumped, climbed and played for 2 solid hours. But… Ursa Major is playing upstairs while his little brother is sleeping. And I’m here typing, tired and distracted.

Fallout after the big blow-out on Monday has been… quiet. The Husband got up, went to work yesterday, came home tired… but you can tell he isn’t ok. We got an invitation to a co-worker’s cookout in a few weeks and he sent me an email saying, “Would you like to skip this? I understand if it’s too tiresome. It’s only going to be [work] people…”

I sent him an email saying that I’m looking forward to it, that I like his co-workers and “I don’t hate everyone, honey.”

I know that there has been communication with both of his parents, and I know that in one of those conversations he apologized to his mom for what I did.

And that makes me feel gross. And not supported at all. Especially because in our debrief he seemed to be so understanding…

I’m not going to lie. I don’t really want to be married today. I’m not saying that I want to get a divorce tomorrow. I’m just saying that I don’t want to be married today.

And that’s got me all sorts of distracted, because I’ve been sorta talking myself down from the ledge and trying to keep it together all day. We had a big before-school meet-up today at the playground and I talked with two of the other moms I love and trust, and they both came down on my side, which was kind. I know that I’m not crazy to feel the way I felt on Monday. I know that while I expressed my anger, I did so in the most respectful way I could manage. But then again, here I am, understanding that the narrative in the minds that matter is: Kyra blew up, Mother-in-law is the victim.

So, that fucking sucks and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

The good news is that the busy season has returned, with school starting again next week for Ursa Major and our first “regular” week coming the week after. I signed up for morning lap-swimming at the local indoor pool, which I’m really looking forward to, though I’m a little concerned that my locs will hate it. We’ve been invited to two birthday parties in the next few weeks, plus that cookout I mentioned earlier, and did I tell you that we’re starting church this Sunday? Oh, and I am hosting a dinner party next month (that was a spur of the moment thing) and there is talk of a book club among some of the preschool moms and maybe some sock knitting lessons with another mom and…  My goodness… I missed the full schedule, I really did, but I thought there was going to be a gradual start-up to it this go ’round.  Isn’t such a contrast to a year ago, though, when I knew no one and nothing about this place? It’s nice to feel like we’re part of this community now. We know and are known, and it will only get better from here. And getting out and experiencing that will distract us, and hopefully, help us heal.

This is such a mixed bag, dear reader, and I’m sorry about that. I almost didn’t write the part about The Husband, but I’m trying to keep this space as honest as I can. I think it would be fake to project that everything is perfect… and I am sure that ya’ll know that marriage has peaks and valleys. We aren’t newlyweds anymore–we’re a team and a really good one, but we’ve been at this for a while now. We need the time to meet back in the middle and that time, unfortunately, is uncomfortable. I’ll try, though, not to make this space too depressing in the interim. I have no reason to believe it will become anything but better. If it doesn’t… at least I’ll have something to write about…

Quiet Thoughts on Friday. No pumpkin muffins, though, because it’s too hot! Next week… yum…

9 Replies to “The Road Back to Somewhere”

  1. After twenty-two years of marriage, I still think that the biggest deal breaker (if it ever comes, and I sincerely hope that it never does) will be his mother. She is a lovely woman to the rest of the world, but SO different to me. It is those one liners, thrown out so nobody else notices or takes no notice of. It hurts. It sucks out my soul. And husband just cannot see it.

    1. I really don’t know what it is about mother-in-laws… I keep telling myself that this is good for my own training. That I won’t terrorize some young girl who is in love with my son someday. I wish I had more answers and solutions. I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with this for 22 years! I’ll tell you, there was a moment on Wednesday when I told myself I’m too good to deal with this bullshit. But then I prayed, calmed down, had one last good fight with my husband, and I think we’ve finally found a space to continue. Until the next time… I guess…

  2. Dear Husband,
    I’ve elected myself president of your Number 1 Fan Club, but even in my bias, I gotta say, Dude, that was kind of a dick move. Take Wife to fancy dinner ASAP.

    Dear KC-
    What happens to locs in the pool? What about a picture book of your culinary creations? You describe these dishes and I can’t imagine just how good they look and smell! OMG a scratch and sniff coffee table tome worthy of Escoffier! I’m so there.

    1. I don’t know, exactly, what happens to locs in the pool. I DO know that locs don’t like chemicals and I’m really picky about only using organic natural stuff in my hair, so I’m guessing that the chlorine is gonna be a BIT OF A SHOCK.

      As for the culinary things, hold that thought. I must needs a better camera. But… but…. I’m workin’ on something here. Stay tuned, friend, stay tuned!!!

  3. Chairs: After we broke six (including the “matching” set that came with our table), we went back to the vintage fiberglass shell chairs from Herman Miller (that survived 30+ years of my childhood, college & several moves and still look amazing), Herman Miller no longer makes them in fiberglass, but Modernica does and they are AMAZING and come in so many pretty colors — ours are orange — they make me very happy & can be wiped off (a huge plus when you’ve got 2 little boys — I’ve got 2 as well). http://modernica.net/seating/fiberglass-shell-chair-en/

    As for the husband, bad move on his part, I agree a nice date night is in order.

    1. These chairs! So interesting!!! Very modern, which is not our aesthetic for a dining room, but I’m REALLY feeling them for a playroom or for the kid’s study or something when we get them desks!!! The colors are so yummy! I’m loving them! We’d like the dining room to be traditional (but inviting and warm) when we furnish it, preferably with wood, but my heart and mind are open!

      And yeah, dinner… need a babysitter for that. You know what they charge around here? $15 an hour!!! NOT EVEN COOL! *sigh* It’s a hard slog right now…

      1. My MIL called the chairs “a bit bold and very orange” (we went with orange because we already had 2 in orange), and asked if we’d really explored all our options! Yes, we had… It must be a MIL-thing. 😉 You can sometimes find them on CraigsList — if you go that route, be sure to get the fiberglass ones, the plastic ones are not as comfortable.

        Not sure how your DIY skills are, but perhaps build benches? ana-white.com has some great free plans for more traditional looking dining room benches… I’m not sure I’d try DIYing dining chairs.

        I try and get high school girls to babysit, but they’re $10/hr, and the experienced ones are closer to $12 (and they’re not always the most reliable with school & parent schedules dictating availability). Reliable ones in their 20s start at $15 and only go up from there. Sadly, sate nights are a rare occurrence around here.

  4. Aww, man, sorry it’s hard. I’m totally on your side. I kind of flipped out at my dad for criticising me earlier, and I know he thinks I’m just being an ungrateful teenager and not taking his advice, but he’s actually being really hurtful with constantly telling me how to live my life better (there’s reasonable and then there’s this), so I can empathise with how you’re feeling. *hugs*

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